Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
