I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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