I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
