When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Please don't give away my fajitas
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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