This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
