I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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