Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i came on her dog
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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