New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
