My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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