I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
