Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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