Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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