I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
