There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
