I just threw up on my dentist
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
