My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
