i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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