I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
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so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
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I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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