Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
