the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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