I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
