I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
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Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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