My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
