I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
