The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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