My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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