Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
3pm strippers are depressing
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
