you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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