I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
