Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...