My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
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Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
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He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.