Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
