I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend