my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
