Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My ATM looks so different sober.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
