You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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