Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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