Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
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I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
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Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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