you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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