I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Randomize
