I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
