my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
