If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
