I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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