I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
