My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
