Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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