I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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