dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
