Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
