I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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