My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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