When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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