you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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