my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
